Is it bad to choose myself first ?

I was talking to one of my male friend who likes to joke about asking me to be his wife. I will assume he always jokes as we both agreed we cannot be in a marriage together. So I was talking to that guy and he told me that I always want things to be as I want them. He was telling me that because of many things I told him about marriage and relationships. About me wanting to travel the world. About me not necessarely wanting to bear a husband’s name. About me liking this and that for myself. Even though I told him many times that I would be ready to compromise sometimes if I ever find a man I love enough to get married, it seems like he couldn’t even understand why I have criteria first to choose that potential husband. I might be wrong. After reading this article, he might call me and say that things didn’t go as I exposed them, but I’m just telling it how I felt about it. I just couldn’t understand why he always complained about me wanted things for myself, my own well being. Like it’s my own fucking life. Don’t excuse me for my language. I am mad as I’m writing. Mad because I even have to ask myself whether I should put myself first or try to fit and comply with the norms. Try to compromise my values and criteria to satisfy someone else. And he would sometimes tell me that thing I hate the most: «that’s how you end up being old and single, becoming a second wife, or dating some younger guys». I won’t tell you how mad I am with this kind of conclusion because then this time I would have to apologize for my language.

Recently my dad had been mentioning marriage a lot of times. Many many times. He has always been supportive about me pursuing studies and traveling. But now whenever I tell him about me wanting to see such and such places later, he would ask when I am planning to have children. I don’t think he says that just to joke. I think he might worry that his girl doesn’t get married anytime soon. That she waits too long to get marry. That she is picky and might be too complicated. I get it. I am even tempted to say he is right to worry since I am not sure about that marriage thing. But is it bad for me to have questions about what people consider the norms. Is it bad for me not to be in a rush to get married? Is it a bad thing that I don’t want to get married with the first guy I meet because well I want a smart open minded good Muslim bae? Don’t ask me what that even means. I know what it means and I believe I will recognize it when I meet one. I will probably fall in love with them. And if I ever meet someone else I love but who doesn’t fit this criteria, I will probably not get married in fear that I later regret choosing the wrong one. I believe I know what I want. I might be wrong. I allow myself to be wrong because, again, it’s my life and I want to live it as I want.

I am not a rebellious mind against society’s norms. As a kid, I always wanted to get married by 18 or 20. I always thought of marriage as a nice thing where my husband and I would have loved each other, bath, eat and do everything together and have kids we would deeply cherish. And then something happened to me. I kind of grew up. I grew up and I saw many ugly sides of marriage. People might say life is all about ups and downs. That of course marriage is not all beautiful but it’s worthy. Well I get that. But am I not allowed to have doubts? To have doubts about whenever I want to get married or not? I told a lot of my friends recently that religion might be the only reason why I would ever get married. Because religion legitimates sexual relationships and yes I don’t want to hold remorses for doing something I deeply believe God disapproves. Yet, religion put aside I have sooo many doubts about marriage. Why can’t we love someone just like that ? Without having the needs to bind with administrative policies? Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company and love each other until we no longer do and just let each other go even though it would hurt? Well for me the only reason is religion. I would say love too but religion is the only thing that would make me want to «legalize» that love. Not society. Not my age. Not my family. It’s only as a respect for God that I am not allowing myself to do some things outside the boundaries of marriage. But what I do allow myself to do is to have doubts and pray God would send me answers or someone to marry because we understand, love and respect each other. But until that let me be.

Hi, i am Fady and i totally relate to Tchonté P.M. Silué ´s thoughts.